By Tanya Koens
When I talk with a new client, I am often surprised. It’s hard to believe that in 2016, many adults lack a basic knowledge of sex and sexuality. And then I remember my own studies in Sex and Sexual Health. I was completely amazed at the things that I was learning, and wondering why, oh WHY wasn’t this stuff taught in schools? Surely teaching people how their bodies work and what feels good is just as important as disease and pregnancy prevention? Or is pleasure taboo?
Many people cannot find the language or circumstances to talk about their sexual experiences, preferences and desires. People come to me wanting better sex, and are often unable to explain exactly what it is they are searching for. Is it the experience they saw in the movies, or the latest porn clips they watched? Is it greater connection and intimacy? Is it confidence? Or could it be a deeper understanding of how their body works?
During sessions, there is often discussion how the client’s body works and how their partner’s body is may differ to their own. This is essential in coaching sessions for people who want to improve their intimate life, and just as important when looking at solutions for those having problems with sex.
Understanding the arousal process and mapping that over the top of your/your partner’s erotic landscape is an interesting process. It is fascinating to watch people’s faces as they take in information that is new and relevant to them. We are all erotic snowflakes … there may be some similarities between us but there are also many individual nuances, wirings, preferences and turn-ons … that’s what makes things so interesting!
Naomi Wolf’s book Vagina suggests that women all have different neurological pathways for sexual pleasure. She says that some are wired for clitoral orgasms, some vaginal (yes I do want to acknowledge that these are still part of the clitoral system, but we take her point), some for anal, some perineal and some for a combination of these. This highlights that there is no one solution fits all approach to sex.
There are so many assumptions made about what people will enjoy – breast stimulation, oral sex, prostate massage, intercourse – but it turns out that not everyone likes things that are assumed pleasurable for all. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, there is no “stock standard” approach to sex that will work with every person. This means that discovery will be part of every sexual experience you undertake … be it for one night or for 40 years.
What adds to this mix is that your body changes over your lifetime as well: during puberty; after childbirth; around stress; with aging; with injury or illness and many other reasons.
Think about it as having sexual conversations that continue forever. How is your body going to converse with your partner(s)? What is your partner’s body telling you today? What is your body telling you today?
If you want to have good sex … if you want to have sex and intimacy that keeps you engaged, take some time to learn about your body and your partner’s body … it will pay off in spades!
How can you learn about sex? Attend workshops; read books; listening to podcasts; search the internet and, of course, book therapy or coaching with someone like me!
If you are interested in attending workshops, check out my workshop page here.
If you would like to make an appointment to see me, click here.