By Tanya Koens
Recently I read an article by Paul Hudson about younger generations not knowing how to have sex. What really struck me in this article was the fact that everyone seems to be rushing to get to penis-in-vagina sex or orgasm … as if it is some kind of goal to be reached.
Lets face it, more often than not; sex is about pleasure, not procreation. When we view it through that lens, I am curious as to at why anyone would be in a hurry for their pleasurable experience to end? Surely you would want to savour it and enjoy it for as long as possible?
Dessert may be your favourite part of the meal, but you don’t go out to dinner just to eat dessert do you? Or skip to the end of the book to read the last chapter without enjoying the story and the journey to the final chapter?
Why then are so many people in a hurry to get to an orgasm? Is orgasm the goal of sex? Or is it pleasure? Or connection? Or …. ?
For those of you who have sex with female-bodied partners, it is important to understand how to drive them. Unlike male bodies, females need a considerable about of time to turn on, warm up and get the engines purring. Think of female sexual arousal as like a pot of water on the stove that needs a flame underneath it to bring it up to the boil. Male sexual energy is that flame. They can arouse quickly and burn bright and it’s this energy that helps females get to their arousal. And remember, once fully aroused, females can be on a rolling boil for hours!
It is important for us all to understand that women are not the same as men are when it comes to sexual arousal and enjoyment. Women can take 45 – 60 minutes to be fully aroused. And I know that many couples are having a cup of tea and a chat around the 45-minute mark!
Take note, we really should be spending at least 15-20 minutes on foreplay. Why? Because female bodies need that time to get read to receive a male penis. Watch this blog space for our next article on The Importance of Foreplay.
I don’t know about you but I don’t find foreplay a chore! Its full of yummy, sensual, erotic sensations that feel good, build arousal, foster connection and continue to build anticipation and excitement about the so called “good bits” still to come. Many women say they prefer outercourse activities to intercourse … they still enjoy intercourse but they find the outercourse stuff so much more delicious!
In talking to lots of men in my role as a sex therapist, almost all of them dearly want their partner to have a good time when having sex. Understanding that women both need and enjoy many different types of touch and sexual activity is important to create a strong and lasting sexual connection. Women very quickly tire of straight penis-in-vagina sex with little warm up.
It seems that lack of knowledge, performance anxiety, communication difficulties and striving to reach unattainable “porn” standards can be contributing to this urgency in sexual encounters. I encourage you to be curious about the type of touch and sexual activities that your partner enjoys … ask them what they like and if they can’t answer then ask questions as you go along, “does this feel good?” “What about that?” … Sex doesn’t have to be a silent affair.
Remember that porn is visual entertainment designed to stimulate a particular audience. It cuts out the scenes where the women are being warmed up and can give the impression that certain types of sexual activity require no warm up or preparation at all. Wrong!
Next time you are thinking about sex consider spending more time touching, arousing, caressing and engaging with each other erotically. Use your touch, voice, tongue, pace and whole body to take a journey that may take you to greater pleasurable heights than you ever imagined.